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[ website | Glimpses of the Shadowed Moon ]
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[29 Jan 2004|03:49pm]
Got this from a Friend's journal. Hope he doesnt mind! *Grins*, chuckling* Was...interesting? *laughs* And it was in Taiwan too..I must be a curse or something...

Anyways. Here you go.

Exploding Whale!Collapse )
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[29 Jan 2004|03:21pm]
Noooo!! Lindsey!!! Attack of the quizzes! *Dies, but can't resist taking them all*

MwahahaCollapse )

Just because..here's Brandons! Yes, bored, but I find it interesting. Because then later I can tell him!Collapse )
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[27 Jan 2004|08:01pm]
"Man fears Time, but Time fears the Pyramids."
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[27 Jan 2004|09:34am]
Sometime during the early weekend of last, my friend, the one who passed his knowledge on to me, passed away.

The sorrow of loosing this always chearful, happy man, who willingly sat before 60 eager guitar players to turn them into true artists, will be deeply felt. Monday, all of those 60 students were called, and told. I'm sure all of those students felt the same deep shock as I did.

Hopefully, he died a happy man. His life was a healthy one...being priveldged enough to know some of the most talented artists out there, to be able to buy, on average, three new guitars a year. His eyes were always bouncing and a smile was always on his face, and he never hesitated to speak his mind.

His teaching skills went beyond just the normal. He dug into his music to find what each student might be interested into, what they would enjoy the most, and what could teach them in the best way. He spoke to them as a friend...as not a teacher, but just another person we could come to jam with.

And he became my friend. While tuning guitars, showing them off, cleaning them...we discussed meanings of life, why some people act the way they do, how the world of an artist was. We talked about his mafia friends...the places that he played, what he had to do to get there. How it would be for me, and how he couldn't wait until I played before a group of men, that it would be a hilarious thing to see their stunned faces when they saw how I played, and that I was a girl.

It is because of him that I have the talent that I have now. Of the many hours and the many days put together, starting me off from learning how to read single notes, to learning how to strum right...to learning how to change and hear the keys, and play with true feeling. It went from a little girl wanting to devour any knowledge, to two friends sitting and jamming to a Jimi Hendrix song.

He was unique...with his left-over hippy style, love for a relaxing fishing trip, and a true talent that could be only his. And he each left a unique mark on all of the people around him...whether it be his family, his friends, his students. Tears will be cried for him, but his life will not be mourned, because his was such a happy one.

...*Bows her head* We will all miss you, Mr. Rivist.
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[25 Jan 2004|03:39am]
Read friend's journals.
Twas nice. Felt good. Glad to know whats going on in their lives, heh. Much made me laugh. Was also good.

Posted too! Woo!

Loved reading Fakko's stories. *Calls for more!*

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[25 Jan 2004|02:45am]
I'm sitting over at my sister's house..tryin to type as quiet as I can because her keyboard is so loud. We just got finished watching Underworld and then Jeepers Creepers 2. I just got finished watching a Surfing DVD.

Had a nightmare last night. Brandon was in it. But..it was very complicated, and dont would take so long to type out trying to keep quiet. It involved..me choking. And him not caring..thinking I was playing around. Until I died..and then I woke up. The choking feeling still stayed...my hoodie had been stretching against my throat. And to think what might have happened if I kept on sleeping?

After I woke up we got ready to go over Mel's (my sister's) house. Mom told me that Brandon called again. But she was waiting for Holly's phone call..so she gave him Mel's number. It was weird...tears sprang up into my eyes. I dont think it was so much as not being able to talk to him yesterday..and then missing his call..because he was going to call back later. But the after affects of that dream...

He called back around four. *Smiles* And Mel knew the true meaning of her Phone. Attatched to my ear. Heh. Though, I must add, thats only with him. For some reason I dont really like talking on the phone with anyone else...unless its Xoie or Christy. *Ponders* I think its an old burried fear of not coming up with anything to say.
Heh. There would be many to say that that wasn't possible.

Got banned from the Inn last night. Posted it on the board and email Pro..though I havent gone to check it yet. I wasnt even there for more than three minutes. The bastard. I was so angry..I was shaking. Though it might have been from the cold.

Unfortunatly, Ryu was the one who told Rom how to unban me. Ryu also insisted on finding his "real" IP address...so whoever it was could be found out, instead of just being banned. I guess the person who banned me had also been able to find the password of the Inn, since he wasnt on the AOp list.
Ryu, for a moment, thought that he wasnt banned any more. It was frightening. (I was in Draconis in the first place, to thank him, and to find out if he could get that IP addy. I lost it..silly me..when I was rebooting. There was much twitching involved)

I have the unbearable urge to call Brandon and tell him how much I love him right now. *Rubs her temples* He's going to be so exhausted...he's been working so many hours this weekend and has to do it again tomorrow...

It was nice, over here. Mel, Jason (her boyfriend), Kay and her friend, and me, had a rather long conversation. Ranging from Egyption history and legends, to the weirdest things that people have ever eaten, to Fear factor. There was some talk about how everything was going with Butch and whatnot in there too. It was nice to just...talk. I can't talk about it with mom, for some reason. I dont know why.

No drinking tonight. Though Mel and me have been planning to do that again sometime. I asked Brandon if it was ok with him...*blinks* I dont want him to think I'm going to ask his permission for everything, like he's my mother or something. But at the same time, I DO want to make sure that he doesnt mind. Because if it bothers him...*shrugs* Just wouldnt want to do it. I mean...if I really wanted to, and I persuaded him, then I would. But then I'd feel bad...only because if he didnt want me to, then he'd have a good enough reason to...and I'd want to respect that. So I wouldn't do it.
But I dont know why I'm explaining this.

Theres bongos in the backround. Always wanted to learn how to play them. The violen too. And the drums. *Glances at her guitar* I'm fine enough with that right now, though. *Beams at it*

Theres so many things I want to do...want to dream about. And over here I feel free too...to just stare at the red clouds going across the sky on the TV and dream away...see the things that I want to do, and the people I want to do them with. Brandon in each one of course..*smiles*...unless its something he doesnt like. Like going to a Tool concert. *Grins* I wouldnt make him suffer that bad. Or going to a rodeo show. But...those are only the small things I want to do. The places..the things...*sighs* I'm babbling. And tired. Maybe thats why.

And this is getting too long. No one will want to read it...but I guess thats ok. I'm horrible for not getting off my ass and reading the other journals, or doing something like downloading AIM over here so I could talk to them. I'd deserve it I really want to. I havent talked to Christy, Xoie, Lindsey, Will, Rachael...anyone..in so long. And I dont know why.

Don't know much right now. Its kind of all just a blur. But most of it is a warm, fuzzy blur. And I like it. Because all sorts of faces and shapes and colors can come out of that, like a giant mold of cloud. And no one can stop me.

*Gives her head a rattle* I'm not making any sense. I want to keep typing but know I should stop. I'm not too sure what I feel right now...I know I'm happy..but theres something else to it. Something else a little bit dark.
It's not the whole Butch situation. That I can deal with. It's not the people (wouldnt call much of them friends) over here(not at my sisters house)...those asses I can deal with too.
I think its just the heavy weight of no sleep, tinged with the wanting to talk to friends I havent talked to, in what seem like ages...and colored with the always wanting to hear Brandons voice. To snuggle down with him and drift off in his strong, warm arms. *Looks away*

I try not to think about how much I miss him. I'm just trying to stay happy...chearful, for him and for me. He has enough on his shoulders as it is, with all the work he has to do, all the cramming, having no freedom, and missing me. He doesnt need to deal with my sadness ontop of it. I need to toss that away and help him when he needs it. And I know he'll always be there to help me through anything...and I would never want to not talk to him about something. But whenever he calls..it's like all the problems just get wiped away. They're put on pause until his voice is gone, the phone is off, and I'm left alone to my own mind.
But I'm against sadness. I try to not let it in, because I know that more than a little trickle of it will turn into a giant river. And I pride myself on always looking up..and seeing the colors of the world. Yet at the same time...I'm hearing his voice in my head again. Telling me that its alright to be sad. Its alright to feel the searing welling in your eyes when you miss someone this badly. To feel the crying in your heart, and let it through to your eyes when you dig past the walls of smiles and delve into those black corners of whats really bothering you.

But...even though..all of this is there...I'm still happy. Because theres always that side of the missing, of the wanting to just look at him, that still feels good. It soothes to want to see someone so bad, to want to do anything to make them smile, laugh...make them as happy as they make you. Even through all the horrible, terrible missing, theres always the beautiful thought and the feeling of holding such a great love like this inside you. And knowing that, even though he's miles away..he feels it just as greatly. The mind blowing shock of just how lucky you are to be feeling these things erases all the sad...or, justifies it.

So..maybe it is alright to be sad. Every now and then.

*Smiles slightly* I think I'm going to sleep now. Through all the words that probably make no sense, I feel like I figured something out. And now I'm going to sink back into the fog that caused all of this, and stop making your Friends window too incredibly long. I hope everyone has a good day...and had a good one yesterday. *Stretches* I know I did. I can officially say that it is completely awesome over my sisters house.

*nods..then stumbles away*
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[23 Jan 2004|10:16pm]
I have so many journals to read.
*Stares at them..then decides to pet them* Why is it that when I cant get on, everyone seems to post double? *Chuckles*
Always nice to read though.

*Stares at the wall for a moment..then wanders away*
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[21 Jan 2004|08:13am]
Hrm...*looks at the clock* It was so hard to get up this morning. Itd be nice if I could just stay home...but then again, even if I could, I probably wouldnt. I need to bring up that damn gym grade. *growls*

But..its 8:14...and I'm planning to leave at about 8:30. My brother left at 8, but with my classes and all, it'd just be easier to leave at 8:30. I'll come in at about..half way through my second period, which would be alot easier than trying to chase everyone around getting all my things.

And I suddenly find myself getting a headache. Bah. *rubs her temples*

Hope everyone has a good day!

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[20 Jan 2004|07:19pm]
Just ran out to 711 to buy an Almond Joys bar for mum..and holy JEEZE is it cold!
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[20 Jan 2004|06:36pm]
[ mood | confused ]

8.2--Protein and Phenotype. 188-191.
Repressors, Promotors, RNA, transcribing.
8.3-- Changes in Chromosomes. 192-195.
Mutations (6), jumping genes, Proteins.
8.4--Genes and Cancer. 196-200.
Oncogene, mutagen, carcinogen, cancers. Recessive Mutations.

Thats about all I know for the big quiz that we're to have tomorrow. The one that I was supposed to study for all weekend. And didnt. The big quiz that we're supposed to have before the Term Grade ends. This Friday.

My mind is so dead with even trying to understand this damn accel. geometry that I cant even look at the words to make any sense out of it. Nevermind outline 3 Sections in Biology.
But I have to finish atleast 7 or so assignments in Geometry before Friday too.

And bring up my Gym grade within two days. Scrambling to atleast get a damn D in that class. Sick, forgot clothes. Our teacher is an idiot.

*Stares at the screen*
I just want to write. Write something beautiful. But I know I couldn't. Atleast not right now. I wanted to go check and see if anyone continued on with Fakko's RP thread...and if not, pop in something of my own. But I'm dead when I shouldnt be. I shouldn't be tired. I was just awake today..fine and dandy. Hyper even.

Never listen to Evanessance before going to bed.

*Settles into her couch, stuffing a pillow underneath her head* I'm guessing Brandon wont be able to call tonight. Which...just...damnit. Sucks. I need to figure out whats going on in my head...I dont want to wait. I just want to hide away in my room with a computer, my guitar, some blankets, and the phone. Preferably Brandon himself.
I hate hiding. I dont even know why I want to...just being..tired and stupid I guess. Tomorrow I have to be late for school..since Mom's leaving at 4 in the morning, and Butch isnt here to get Robby off of the bus. So I'll most likly miss my entire first class. Geometry..and I need to ask her some things too, damnit. Yet that has nothing to do with it.
Or does it? *shrugs*

Don't know what to do but sit here, and wait. Try and outline that damn book later on. I'm trying to make it easier on mom...doing whatever she says. Dishes, garbage, clothes, spending some time with Robby. I feel utterly useless right now. Except..that my mind wont let me think that. A million sayings, mantras, rocks in a raging river to hold on to that I've set in my mind keeps anything bad from coming in. Keeps me looking for where the sun's shining.
And I want to. But I dont know if I am or not. Confusion is getting me mad.
And still my mind says that all of this is stupid. To stop thinking like this..to apply my mind to whats going on, to the better sides thats coming out of it.
That other people have it a hell of alot worse than me..so I should get up off my ass and try and help them. Not disapeer from the people I care about. Thats what I should do instead of just sitting here..waiting. Not knowing what to do. A few mental slaps...tell myself its nothing, for now. Get up and stop pouting.

*Shivers* Its cold in here...

*slips off*

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[20 Jan 2004|10:28am]
*Ponders what there is to update* I know theres some things I probably should update about. But then again, what would be interesting? Hell, probably nothing. I don't even know if its interesting to me. I'm completely caught between opposite sides of so many stories...the only thing thats clear right now, thats unconfused...are the people that are closest to me.

I hate Butch for doing what he's doing to us right now. For leaving us hanging while he makes his "decision", leaving us to wonder whats going to happen to our lives. He knows what it's going to mean if he leaves, not helping with paying the bills. What we'll be reduced to have to do. Yet he has been quite oblivious to many things in his life. Stupid about them. Lying to himself and those people around him that he says he "loves". Robby. Me. Not mom. It's been awhile since they've even talked peacefully. I don't love him. I care about him, but I hate him. Hate him for lying about the caring he says he has for us, hate him for putting my family through this, hate him for leaving us here to wonder at our chances of having to leave this life behind and start a new one as if it was no problem. To get rid of the only house we've ever had, along with half of our possesions, and all the extreme work we've put into making this a livable house.

I think he deserves to finally be away from a relationship where theres no love. To finally stick up for himself...never before has he stuck up for himself. Whenever he tried he was shot down by my mom, either with her yelling, swearing spasms, or if he actually said something...she would make it seem as if he shouldnt even have opened his mouth. Now, mind, he does deserve it sometimes. But other times he really doesnt. Yet what do I know? I'm caught between what I see and what I'm told. Not knowing who's lying, who's exaggerating. Because Butch has a horrible tendency to do the first...Mom the second. But all I see is the look on his face when she yells at him, and he can do nothing. It compells me to defend him, to risk getting in a fight (many a fight) with Mom about it. Trying to explain to her how she is. Now it doesnt seem like he needs that. Now he's taking matters in his own hands.
Hopefully he'll be happy. Feel a little bit more free to live his life, go out and do the things that he really wasnt able to do before.

What should I think? Do I even think any of those? What would be right? If we have to start over, we have to start over right? Big deal, or not? I don't know what to think. I dont even feel like mulling it over right now. I want to hate him, but my mind tells me to be happy for him. To know that if we have to move, we'll just deal with it. Things will get figured out some how. But oh..how I want to hate him.
I just cant. Don't know if I should. I know I did before. I know in a way I do now, but at the same time I dont. How can you hate someone but be happy that they're life is going to get better? That they deserve it...yet wanting them to die?

Not making much sense. I'd be lovly if I could just figure it all out. But I guess I'm just going to have to wait for that. It will happen eventually. I think.

*Sigh* It be great if I could talk to Brandon about this right about now. Or someone. Horrible restrictions on this computer that dont allow you to download things like AIM are a pain in the ass.
I already know what Brandon thinks about it. He thinks its good what Butch is doing..that its about time. Says my mom deserves it. But my brother and me dont. I'm sure that he put in a few "whatevers" here and there about the situation entirely.
but its not just "whatever". Wish it could be. Maybe thats how it should be. Just a whatever. But that I cant decide either.

Once again..not making any sense. Dont mind the babble. Must go now. *Bear hugs to Special people, leaving out a plate of chocos too*

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[20 Jan 2004|10:09am]
kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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[19 Jan 2004|06:42pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Really...really tired. I want to finish reading the rest of the other journals, but my eyes wont work. I still have to study for a test. I'm worried about my mom.
Butch is giving us his "answer" on Friday. Mom thinks that its going to be divorce.
Brandon says that if he were me, that he'd just move to my dads.
I wish it was that easy. Its definitly not.
I'm glad Butch is finally sticking up for himself. But I wish it wasnt at these kind of expenses.
But then again, I'm just being selfish, arent I?
Atleast he'll be happy. Being able to be away from Mom. He was never happy when he came home...he could never sit back and rest after a hard day of work. Its not right for someone to have to stay in a relationship where theres no love.
I missed Brandons phone call this morning. Because mom was waiting for a phone call from Butch. I really wish she would have given me the phone, so I could have atleast said hi.
Heh, I had a dream bout him last night.

Christy..I got his address. I just dont have it with me right now...*blush* It'll be posted on here for you by tomorrow. School and such will keep me on track.

The weekend was great. Brandon and me got to talk for basically the whole weekend...and we had a long talk about where we are now, how far we've gotten, the feelings that we have for each other. He told me things that he had been wanting to tell me...it just..felt so good. Though my mind was so fogged over with how good it felt, and I couldnt get my words straight. *Sits back and smiles* It always feels good when we talk.

Anyhoo. I'm not going to make much sense.
We had school canceled on friday due to the windchill..just for a random fact. It'd be nice if it happened again tomorrow. Its freezing outside..and windy. But I doubt they'll do it.

*Gives everyone a hug**poofles*

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[18 Jan 2004|05:24pm]
I'm really starting to like the answers that I get. Didnt really like them before but..hehe. They're actually starting to be mostly right with they're answers.

More(Fixed it too..so the right quizzes are in here.)Collapse )
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[18 Jan 2004|05:17pm]
AgainCollapse )
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[18 Jan 2004|05:11pm]
You are the tree-loving faerie. The Earth Faerie.
Nature is your friend, all the little animals
are cute and cuddly, even those that bite. You
are a strong friend, people have a tendancy to
go to you when they are feeling sad. You have a
motherly instinct and always want to kiss away
the tears.

What's your inner Faerie?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[15 Jan 2004|09:28pm]
Its stupid. Its little. But it almost made broke the barrier I've put up through the stress today. I don't know why..it shouldnt have affected me so much...

From My DadCollapse )
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[15 Jan 2004|09:12pm]
I don't know how to reply to both posts at once yet...or if it's even possible. So..instead, I'll revert to old times, and post the replys to Xoie's and Christy's comment here..

Though the image of someone being covered with ears is kind of...creepy...Thankyou.:). But don't be sorry...you didnt do anything.
Thankyou both so much for just..offering to be there. That means so much to me...*hugs both tight* And hey. *tries a smile* He's...supposed to be coming over tomorrow..to fix a pipeline thats not working. Maybe...maybe things will get straightened out then. Maybe Mom will be able to talk to him. I just hope that I'm not around. Because I might loose control and end up screaming at him. Something I've never really done before.
But! *sighs* Maybe the magic poof bunny-faery will apear at my house, and then I can catch him, and turn him orange! *Ponders* I could always send him in for cloning and ship over the copies to you two?

Really...thankyou both again. Definitly look forward to talking to you both..it's been too long! *leaves chocos for them for being so nice**poofles*
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[15 Jan 2004|09:08pm]
I'm marijuana!Collapse )

Magic Shrooms! I like this one better.Collapse )
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[15 Jan 2004|02:20pm]
This is the first time in my life as a step-daughter that I've seriously considered punching someone so many years older than me.

I walked into the house this morning, frozen down to the bone, the only annoying thing on my mind that I couldnt feel my ears and the usual wanting to be with Brandon.

I didn't realize how lucky I was to have that as my only problem.

The next thing I hear from my Mom:

"Butch took all of his clothes. And hes coming back to take the computer on Sunday."

I didnt fully comprehend all at once. Took all of his clothes...why? Computer? Which computer? When he's coming back? The last and the first finally connected to add up into my mind that he was gone. Not here. And not coming back until Sunday.
And then what?
He's taking his computer...basically his most loved possesion and what he spends most of his time on. Him taking him computer is like him screaming it out to all of us that hes GOING.

It took me a walk upstairs to finally realize the totatility of what was going on. Hes leaving. Gone. When is he coming back? Is he coming back? Is he still going to pay his half of the bills??
What are we going to DO if he ISNT?

Mom said we'd have to move. Theres nothing inexpensive around here. So we'd most likly have to move into a tiny apartment, in another town.
What about all of our stuff? We dont have enough room for all of our stuff in a little apartment.

We'd have to sell it. I'm not fucking selling anything of mine. But mom would have to sell basically everything of hers. All of the vaces, antiques, knick knacks that she collected over the past 6 years. Our books, games, DVDs. Her bed that isnt even hers. Probably this computer too. Would all of that have to go? Would I end up selling my...*Cringe* guitars? Other things that I hold dear to me? What about Robby? I cant imagine him without his stuff...he would die..

What happened to all the times that me and mom argued about us moving...about staying in this house that we worked SO HARD to rebuild. Spent so many days in the freezing cold tearing up floorboards, putting up new walls, making it a home? Digging through the million piles of dog shit outside in our yard...a YARD. Something that we've NEVER had before. Never mind woods. What about all the time we've spent back there?! Gardening, mowing, cutting down, rebuilding...ALL OF IT! This is our LIFE! What we used to have never came CLOSE TO IT. Our yard was side walk and a patch of grass barely large enough to SIT it. With schools who's students hid razor blades underneath their tongues. Where your next door neighbor beat you up with a plastic broom and then made you think it was all part of the GAME.

This beautiful life that we have now...something that I never knew how good it might have been when I was little...might be gone. It might all disapeer because of HIM!

ALways before I've stuck up for him. Defended him when mom went on a spas about him.

But now...now he's gone...too far. He's leaving my family and me out in the cold. No..sorry. We dont even KNOW if he's leaving us out in the cold. We dont know what he's DOING because he doesnt ever tell us ANYTHING!

I'm on the verge of tears that I dont want to cry, too frustrated to keep them back but the same frustration pushes them farther. I hate him. I cant believe he's doing this.
How DARE HE!!!
I want to hit him. But that would only make things worse. Even if I hit him first he'd be charged with child abuse. And then things..this would just get even deeper.

I keep on trying to tell myself in my mind that nothing is solid yet. That he still might be coming back, if anything still might pay the bills.

I dont even miss that...that...thing. I'm not sorry that he's gone. But I would rather have him back.

I dont want my mom to go through anything more than she has to right now. I dont want my brother to have to grow up in a place like we lived before we were here.
I dont want to leave my HOME!
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