I'm sitting over at my sister's house..tryin to type as quiet as I can because her keyboard is so loud. We just got finished watching Underworld and then Jeepers Creepers 2. I just got finished watching a Surfing DVD.
Had a nightmare last night. Brandon was in it. But..it was very complicated, and dont would take so long to type out trying to keep quiet. It involved..me choking. And him not caring..thinking I was playing around. Until I died..and then I woke up. The choking feeling still stayed...my hoodie had been stretching against my throat. And to think what might have happened if I kept on sleeping?
After I woke up we got ready to go over Mel's (my sister's) house. Mom told me that Brandon called again. But she was waiting for Holly's phone call..so she gave him Mel's number. It was weird...tears sprang up into my eyes. I dont think it was so much as not being able to talk to him yesterday..and then missing his call..because he was going to call back later. But the after affects of that dream...
He called back around four. *Smiles* And Mel knew the true meaning of her Phone. Attatched to my ear. Heh. Though, I must add, thats only with him. For some reason I dont really like talking on the phone with anyone else...unless its Xoie or Christy. *Ponders* I think its an old burried fear of not coming up with anything to say.
Heh. There would be many to say that that wasn't possible.
Got banned from the Inn last night. Posted it on the board and email Pro..though I havent gone to check it yet. I wasnt even there for more than three minutes. The bastard. I was so angry..I was shaking. Though it might have been from the cold.
Unfortunatly, Ryu was the one who told Rom how to unban me. Ryu also insisted on finding his "real" IP address...so whoever it was could be found out, instead of just being banned. I guess the person who banned me had also been able to find the password of the Inn, since he wasnt on the AOp list.
Ryu, for a moment, thought that he wasnt banned any more. It was frightening. (I was in Draconis in the first place, to thank him, and to find out if he could get that IP addy. I lost it..silly me..when I was rebooting. There was much twitching involved)
I have the unbearable urge to call Brandon and tell him how much I love him right now. *Rubs her temples* He's going to be so exhausted...he's been working so many hours this weekend and has to do it again tomorrow...
It was nice, over here. Mel, Jason (her boyfriend), Kay and her friend, and me, had a rather long conversation. Ranging from Egyption history and legends, to the weirdest things that people have ever eaten, to Fear factor. There was some talk about how everything was going with Butch and whatnot in there too. It was nice to just...talk. I can't talk about it with mom, for some reason. I dont know why.
No drinking tonight. Though Mel and me have been planning to do that again sometime. I asked Brandon if it was ok with him...*blinks* I dont want him to think I'm going to ask his permission for everything, like he's my mother or something. But at the same time, I DO want to make sure that he doesnt mind. Because if it bothers him...*shrugs* Just wouldnt want to do it. I mean...if I really wanted to, and I persuaded him, then I would. But then I'd feel bad...only because if he didnt want me to, then he'd have a good enough reason to...and I'd want to respect that. So I wouldn't do it.
But I dont know why I'm explaining this.
Theres bongos in the backround. Always wanted to learn how to play them. The violen too. And the drums. *Glances at her guitar* I'm fine enough with that right now, though. *Beams at it*
Theres so many things I want to do...want to dream about. And over here I feel free too...to just stare at the red clouds going across the sky on the TV and dream away...see the things that I want to do, and the people I want to do them with. Brandon in each one of course..*smiles*...unless its something he doesnt like. Like going to a Tool concert. *Grins* I wouldnt make him suffer that bad. Or going to a rodeo show. But...those are only the small things I want to do. The places..the things...*sighs* I'm babbling. And tired. Maybe thats why.
And this is getting too long. No one will want to read it...but I guess thats ok. I'm horrible for not getting off my ass and reading the other journals, or doing something like downloading AIM over here so I could talk to them. I'd deserve it I really want to. I havent talked to Christy, Xoie, Lindsey, Will, Rachael...anyone..in so long. And I dont know why.
Don't know much right now. Its kind of all just a blur. But most of it is a warm, fuzzy blur. And I like it. Because all sorts of faces and shapes and colors can come out of that, like a giant mold of cloud. And no one can stop me.
*Gives her head a rattle* I'm not making any sense. I want to keep typing but know I should stop. I'm not too sure what I feel right now...I know I'm happy..but theres something else to it. Something else a little bit dark.
It's not the whole Butch situation. That I can deal with. It's not the people (wouldnt call much of them friends) over here(not at my sisters house)...those asses I can deal with too.
I think its just the heavy weight of no sleep, tinged with the wanting to talk to friends I havent talked to, in what seem like ages...and colored with the always wanting to hear Brandons voice. To snuggle down with him and drift off in his strong, warm arms. *Looks away*
I try not to think about how much I miss him. I'm just trying to stay happy...chearful, for him and for me. He has enough on his shoulders as it is, with all the work he has to do, all the cramming, having no freedom, and missing me. He doesnt need to deal with my sadness ontop of it. I need to toss that away and help him when he needs it. And I know he'll always be there to help me through anything...and I would never want to not talk to him about something. But whenever he calls..it's like all the problems just get wiped away. They're put on pause until his voice is gone, the phone is off, and I'm left alone to my own mind.
But I'm against sadness. I try to not let it in, because I know that more than a little trickle of it will turn into a giant river. And I pride myself on always looking up..and seeing the colors of the world. Yet at the same time...I'm hearing his voice in my head again. Telling me that its alright to be sad. Its alright to feel the searing welling in your eyes when you miss someone this badly. To feel the crying in your heart, and let it through to your eyes when you dig past the walls of smiles and delve into those black corners of whats really bothering you.
But...even though..all of this is there...I'm still happy. Because theres always that side of the missing, of the wanting to just look at him, that still feels good. It soothes to want to see someone so bad, to want to do anything to make them smile, laugh...make them as happy as they make you. Even through all the horrible, terrible missing, theres always the beautiful thought and the feeling of holding such a great love like this inside you. And knowing that, even though he's miles away..he feels it just as greatly. The mind blowing shock of just how lucky you are to be feeling these things erases all the sad...or, justifies it.
So..maybe it is alright to be sad. Every now and then.
*Smiles slightly* I think I'm going to sleep now. Through all the words that probably make no sense, I feel like I figured something out. And now I'm going to sink back into the fog that caused all of this, and stop making your Friends window too incredibly long. I hope everyone has a good day...and had a good one yesterday. *Stretches* I know I did. I can officially say that it is completely awesome over my sisters house.
*nods..then stumbles away*